Okay, so my elf-hate originated at the times when Tolkien fandom (at least where I lived) was full of goddamn snobs, everyone was beautiful exquisite perfect elf and took Silmarillion seriously as a Bible, and if you dared to crack a joke about it, you were just lowly ignorant human peasant. So I wasn’t all that thrilled with elves to begin with (I kinda thought they are pretentious, self-centered and too boringly flawless bunch), but then there was a finishing blow.
First of all, this is first time I’m DMing a DnD campaign. And I didn’t closely know any of the players, because it was actually not my city and they just mostly random people interested in DnD. So I’m really freaking nervous, I take it very seriously, I draw maps, write backstories for every little NPC, and I’m being extremely nice to players and basically taking any bullshit from them, because I’m 16 and trying to impress strangers.
So there’s a guy and girl, both around my age.The girl is “reincarnation of Nienna”. For people not familiar with Silmarillion, her deal is that she’s a goddess who cries a lot and sings sad songs. And this girl did exactly these things. No, you don’t understand guys. You give her a puzzle and NPC hanging around, ready to give her hints, and she doesn’t bother even trying to do anything. She just sits down on her ass and cries. You give her a confrontation with a villain, she fucking sings at him. Because apparently that singing duel between Sauron and that elf dude was just the coolest thing ever. And no, she doesn’t just say “My character sings a song”, she sings it *herself*. I kid you not! She remembers all the damn songs from Silmarillion and LotR, fucking all of them. And she’s not a bard! She’s supposedly a wizard! All of her singing doesn’t do shit in terms of game mechanics, it’s just “Five minutes of awkwardness for whole group”.
You think that’s bad? Meet the elf-dude. He’s an elven prince, who also was some sort of bigwig in Silmarillion, and is dual-wielding scimitars Drizzt Do’Urden style. No, you don’t get it. He sends me a character sheet, he’s a ranger or whatever with Dual-wielding perk, so I’m like “okay”. And then in IM he writes me “and this is how I fight!” (btw he put exclamation mark in the end of every sentence. Every. He said it showed the strength of his spirit ) and sends two A4 pages, collecting shit ripped straight out of damn Salvatore books. 2 pages! And since I don’t know how to deal with Marti Sue players yet, I actually agree to this damn thing!
But the guy didn’t stop there, oh no. There’s another big thing to know about him. He’s an elven prince who’s secretly Drizzt Do’Urden and who was a Jedi in past life. And not just some random Jedi. Darth Revan. Yep, from KotOR 1.
He never says “Jedi” or “Sith” out-loud, but he throws “Force”, “padawan”, “my beloved Bastila” and all the Dark and Light bullshit around all the fucking time. He’s also *stoked* that I played KotOR, because I’m the only one in the group who even knows who the fuck Revan is. So imagine, there’s some plot-important conversation is going on and suddenly this elf guy starts ranting about the poison of the Dark Side, and how anger leads to hate, and everyone should listen to the Force. “Ten minutes of awkwardness for whole group”. Also how am I supposed to make NPC answer to this?
Sometimes they sang in a duet. He didn’t know all the songs, but just enough to drive me up to the ceiling.
So what I learned after whole experience: 1. Elves are the worst. And they sing all the time. 2.Players are the enemy. Don’t take even slightest bullshit from them, or they’ll dump a whole pile of it on you.